Sad

Do you ever have one of those painful, poignant, lost in the moment kind of days? Tak is sleeping on my lap as I type this and even though I only want two kids, I'm so sad that his baby days are over. He's a hefty 11 kgs and his hair is starting to get fuller. He's developed a sense of humor and imitates other people, especially when they fart. He's also developed a sense of rage and has been known to whack people in the face when things aren't going his way.

Does everyone have this sense of regret when it comes to their last child? With Kai, I couldn't wait to send him to preschool and for him to be more independent. Even now, I get impatient with him when he says he can't do something that I know he can. He has the power to push my buttons and get me so angry. With Tak, I'm more patient. He's still my baby and I have a hard time getting angry with him when he pulls stunts that I know are age appropriate.

Everything they say about birth order is probably true. Poor Kai bears the brunt of my parenting mistakes. Whereas Tak gets way more freedom than Kai ever did at that age. And lately, I've been a pretty awful parent. I've been caught up in my own frustration over our new lifestyle that I've forgotten how tough it is to be four. I don't want to give Kai any sympathy over his petty frustrations when I have a plate full of bigger ones. Sigh.......

And so I'm sad. Not Heath Ledger kind of sad, but disappointed and deflated sad. And now I need to go pick my first born up from preschool. Maybe this is why some days my mom made us pudding, to assuage the mama guilt. Can't say I blame her. I really only remember the wonderful things she did for us, the pudding must've worked.