On two year-olds and deja vu

Tak took his nap early today and woke up around 2 p.m. He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt that had been his brother's and woke up with that scrunchy baby stretch that is a rarity these days. Do you remember that stretch? You hold them under their arms and they scrunch their face and yawn while stretching out to remove the remainders of the fetal position. But they always forget their legs, still curled tightly under themselves.

I'm holding this 30 lb toddler and only half of him is awake and he's looking at me with a dazed expression. He lets me cuddle with him on the couch and sniff the back of his neck. It's a rare thing these days. Usually he's swatting my face like a demented leopard cub or climbing over my shoulders and ripping out my hair in the process. He's so boy-like, that I forget he was a new babe only two years ago.

And the sweatshirt. Big brother loved that sweatshirt, rarely took it off. It's weird seeing him in Kai's clothes knowing that they fit completely differently. Tak is a sumo wrestler, not fat, but strong and solid. Kai is a long distance runner, lithe and lean. Every parenting book says not to compare your kids, but it is so hard not to do that, especially when you have two of the same gender. Comparisons burst out without even trying. Every article of clothing has a memory attached to it and those memories refuse to be suppressed.

And life is so bittersweet these days. I want for my boys to have the childhood I had, but at the same time, I'm so happy that they have this opportunity to be in Japan and be with their grandparents. I'm still working on staying in this moment, but there are too many days when I get sucked into the past.