Grumpy Gaijin

Anyone who has ever lived in Japan and whose face is not Asian has experienced the familiar cry of "Gaijin," literally, outside person. This is not a post about some 6 year-old pointing a finger at me and crying out that word. Though, god knows, I've had enough times where that has happened. No, this post is about being a discontented outside person.

I teach two classes of 3 to 6 year olds every Friday afternoon. I spend 2 to 3 hours prepping for these classes. I make decent money, but it's not my life's calling. For the last two weeks, my student numbers have been dropping. Some of it is sickness, some of it is new interests. I combined my two classes into one so I could actually earn my per class rate. Now, the moms who help me organize it are saying that one class is going to be the norm. Considering that I never really wanted to teach preschoolers, I'm at the point where I want to quit. So, I'm grumpy.

It's these kinds of stupid everyday, "how many people will the resident alien alienate?" problems that make my head hurt. I already have another English teaching job lined up for Tuesday nights, so it's not like I need the money. It's just that I know that half the moms will apologize to me for their kids not showing up and the other half will dismiss the effort that I put into this in the first place.

And all of this just underscores how little I actually use my brain in this country. Or for that matter, how marginalized women are in this country. Most of the moms of my 5yo son's classmates work in low-paying jobs as sales clerks, drink yogurt sales, or as office temps. Women are always amazed that I used to be a computer programmer. The bar is set very low in Japan, but especially in my own Southern paradise of Hikari.

I need to leave here in another 30 minutes to go teach my one class. My heart is not in it. I do not want to go. I just want to eat cookies, read people.com, weep, and lash myself for the underachieving outsider that I am. Instead, I will play games, read books, sing songs and put on the Alex dog and pony show.