A beginning, really?

A month later and I really don't feel like I've begun anything. Okay, I did get DS1 enrolled in school which I am now agonizing over, since it seems way too easy. I did get DS2 to the doctor to look at the hernia which I've been ignoring for the past four months. Surgery is scheduled for March 22nd. But the rest of my life seems like just so much crap.

I can't get DS2 enrolled in any kind of regular preschool and he's acting out. It's the f--king fours, redux. I took him to a home-run Japanese preschool class today and he tried to escape for the first 30 minutes of it. I'll enroll him in it, but four Friday mornings a month costs me almost one third of what I was paying for full-time daycare in Japan and that included lunch. And the sad thing is, he wants to go. He keeps asking me when he'll start hoikuen again. All of the trips to the library and the supermarket don't replace being with your peers and having lots of fun activities to do. I suck at the whole home-schooling thing.

I'm hating the gurgling toilet in our over-priced rental condo. I'm hating the rain, the endless horrible rain. I'm hating the too tight parking space that makes me fear taking off the side mirror on a concrete column. I'm hating the moving boxes that are still stacked in the hall. I'm hating the chick on Craigslist who sold us an Ikea bunk bed that is missing the clamps to hold the ladder in place, and no, I couldn't get them from Ikea, I tried. She won't return my emails or calls.

I hate all of this right now. I knew this would happen, but no matter how much I try to blow sunshine, I really just want to bury my head in my hands and cry. I had a life. A flawed life, but a life. And now I have to go through the work to put a life together again. Yes, I didn't have to get a driver's license or open a bank account. We still had those things. Yes, I have a sister who listens to me and invites me over for wine. Yes, I have a partial life. It's a life and I need to live this life and stop being pissed off that I don't have the other one anymore. I'm working on that too.