April

I have another 30 minutes before I go to pick DS2 up from the one morning away from me he has during the week. It is my sole child-free time on a weekday. I came home and picked up and started laundry and vacuumed and avoided doing my taxes.

I read an article online about parents at an elementary school in Ishinomaki who lost their children. Only 24 of the students at that school survived the tsunami. I cried. Not really a productive use of my time. I'm not even sure it will make me be a more patient mother with my own two boys. But I needed to know someone's problems are way more tragic than my petty ones.

It is April and I'm still floundering. I'm looking at teaching certificate programs online. I'm bickering with my husband about finding a house. I'm enrolling my child in a preschool 80 blocks north of here from September, because that's as good as it's going to get. I'm avoiding Script Frenzy since I know I will not be writing anything.

And yet, I know at some point, I will need to start celebrating the things I am doing. I got DS2's hernia surgery taken care of. I finally went to the doctor's office. I signed up for the Y so that DS2 and I can have a place to play and work out in the mornings. I emailed a friend with a University connection to try and get an exchange student to come over once a week and tutor my boys in Japanese in return for English lessons from me.

And I'm resenting not having an income. I don't like to be beholden to my husband. He would never begrudge me something I truly want. We consult each other on all the big things. But I miss not having mad cash that allowed me to pay for weekend trips to the noodle shop or the ice cream stand. I liked having a rainy day fund. Most of which we used to pay for expenses when DH was out of work for 5 months.

I will get there eventually. And I will start my taxes some other time, but before the 15th.