Why I was a lousy stay-at-home-mom

Probably that's not the best title I could've used for this post, but I've been reflecting on my life here in Japan and that's what came out. I'm fortunate that preschool/daycare here in my part of Japan is so cheap. Coming from Seattle almost 3 years ago, I was nearly giddy that daycare, including lunch and snack, six days a week, was about $350 a month.

My dirty secret? I hated being a stay-at-home-mom. I felt devalued. I wanted a job and the praise that came from doing a good job. I wanted more than grubby hands and temper tantrums. I didn't want all of whom I was, to be sucked into the vortex that two small children create. I admire women who can take care of their kids and live a well-balanced life, but I just wasn't one of them.

And so, I work. I have three part-time jobs and I work about 15 hours a week. Elementary school and daycare take care of my boys when I work in the daytime. Grandma, and my husband when he's around, take over for the two evenings that I work. I love it.

I feel talented again. I feel appreciated again. And I still have time with my boys in the afternoon and on the weekends. I still do the laundry, grocery shopping, and most of the cooking and homework supervision. I'm the one who gets the boys up and out the door in the morning. I'm still sleep deprived on occasion, but all in all, I'm happier.

Self comfort

I think women have a particularly hard time finding appropriate ways to comfort ourselves. You hear about eating disorders, mommy martyrdom and self-neglect.

Today I took a "me" day. Not a spa day, not a girls' night out. (Which I would gladly do, but the logistics of organizing something like that tire me out.) No, I recognized that I am tired and worn out and I need a little self-love.

I got my boys out the door to school and preschool. I shopped for food and picked up the Tuesday bargains at Jusco. I came home, put groceries away (mostly), and checked my email. I was tired. I got to bed after midnight, DS2 wet his bed at some dark hour and climbed into bed with us, DS1 decided to join the party and my alarm clock went off at 6:30. I was tired.

I decided to take a nap. Not prep my class for tonight, not clean up the kitchen, not fold the laundry. So I closed the curtains and tried to shut down my brain and the lists that kept multiplying in it. It worked, I dozed. The doorbell rang, a delivery for my husband. Curse him.

I gave up on the nap and started reading "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen..." DS1 and I have been in a lot of pissing matches lately. Reading it is a little bit of self kindness so I can stop hating myself after every interaction. The phone which never rings, rang twice. ARGH!

I closed the curtains again. Took a 30 minute nap. Took a shower. Made myself a pastrami and cheese sandwich. (Not impossible to make in Japan, just requires strategic shopping)

And I feel good about myself. I'd still like to stuff my face with chocolate rather than drinking a glass of water. I still have all those mental lists to cross off, but I'm not as tired and they don't seem impossible now.

Sharkey and Punchie

It's the last day of Golden Week here in Japan. We did nothing. Five days off in a row and the best we could manage was to go to the Kasado Island festival for an hour.

I would post pictures, but we took next to none. The big excitement of the festival was the goldfish scoop. For 100 yen each, my boys got a paper net and the opportunity to scoop out goldfish. I'm sure in the U.S. this wouldn't be allowed on humanitarian grounds. Let's face it, small boys terrorizing goldfish is not a pretty sight. The only consolation is that the paper nets tear after about 5 seconds of scooping, so it's pretty hard to catch anything.

My boys actually wanted goldfish, so they handed their little nets to my husband and me. Daddy was busy trying to hold his camera and netted nothing. I, on the other hand, who royally suck at all things carnival, managed to scoop the largest goldfish in the plastic pool. The vendors looked shocked. It was the 5 inch beauty and it's worth a lot more than the average goldfish.

I was also shocked. I quickly told them that I didn't want the big one, and asked if we could swap it for a black one. My logic was, if I'm going to kill a goldfish, I want the smallest fish corpse I can dispose of. DS1 wanted a black fish, but of course, DS2 wanted a pink(?) one. The vendor gave us a plastic baggie with a black fish and a pale white fish. Bagged two fish with one scoop!

So now, Sharkey and Punchie live in a tank on my cluttered counter.