Thursday, October 18, 2012

Mid-life spiral

Both my boys are now in elementary school.  I'm halfway through the month of October and I'm flailing.  I had these great expectations that I would get my life and home in order.  Here's what I've accomplished:

  • Reorganized my kitchen
  • Took part in a research study at the UW and earned $75
  • Volunteered at the "balloon drop" and "move-a-thon" events at my boys' school
  • Continued to update the school's web calendar as part of the web team
  • Went one time to Louisa's to try and write with the writer's group I used to write with
And yet, strangely, I am not happy.  I desperately want someone to tell me what to do with my life.  Do I go back to school and get a teaching certificate, since I really enjoy teaching?  Do I try and take up with my writing again?  Do I follow my strange addiction to reading arts and crafts and interior design books?

And let's not even start on the self-help books.  I have OD'ed on them.  I have tried to do the quizzes and yet I can't get past the "what did your 10 year-old self enjoy" part.  My ten year-old self was as fragmented as my 40-something self is.  Let's see, she liked roller skating, being the fire-starter at camp-outs, watching the Muppets, reading, writing bad poetry and imagining herself as a teacher of the blind.  (I read the book Follow My Leader by James Garfield and wanted to raise guide dog puppies.)  I still would like to raise a guide dog puppy.

I also don't want to work full-time.  While I don't enjoy being the whip-cracker for homework and Japanese workbooks, I realize that I'm the only one who will do it.  This means I need to be home at 4:00 p.m. so I can do the snack, homework, reading, feeding, bedtime routine.    I am also the homekeeper.  I do the laundry, the doctor's and orthodontist visits, the grocery shopping, the toilet cleaning, the cooking and the bill paying.  In short, I have become my mother.  She also had a college degree which she did not use in a professional setting.  Instead, she was an Army officer's wife and kept our lives together through the chaos of constant moves.  I admire her sacrifice, but I want to leave more of a mark on the world than that.   Talk about cognitive dissonance, I want my kids' to have that same stability, but I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. 


1 comment:

Unknown said...

I hear ya! We go through this a bunch here. Debbie sort of "split the middle." She does great with the younger kids and so her para-educator spot seems to work pretty well. She works with the title program, but it seems to be a good fit for now...though those kids wear her out and then she comes home to chores...

Too bad you can't get "certain people" to help a bit with those chores...