I keep thinking that if I write, I will make progress on something. I need a victory in my life. I need something to pull me out of the slump I am in.
I had a birthday earlier this week. It was a non-event. Really. The 8 year-old gave me an eraser. My sister took me out to lunch the next day. I scheduled a raincheck lunch with a friend.
Our house purchase was supposed to close the day after. It was an event that did not occur.
I am supposed to be organized for a move that should happen any day. I am not.
Our interest rate lock for our mortgage expires on Monday. We will owe more money after we close. I am numb to this, but the spouse is angry.
I am reading too many parenting books again. I have more on reserve at the library. My husband who does not read parenting books undoes all the parenting I do with his lack of patience.
The five year old still needs to be evaluated for speech therapy. I finally got a call about it. I have yet to receive the paperwork to fill out before he can be evaluated.
I am still behind in my duties as the treasurer for our co-op preschool. We are in the black, so I am not putting the school at risk.
My husband got a bonus and a "good job" gift certificate from work this week. He offered the gift certificate to me. It is not the same. I want someone to appreciate me. Screw enlightenment, I don't want inner peace and fulfillment, I want a Target gift card for doing all the mundane tasks that no one ever thanks me for.
I make coffee every morning. I pour myself and DH a cup every morning. Today, DH poured his own cup knowing it was the first cup of the carafe and didn't even bother to think I might want one too. Really? He had the grace to apologize when I asked him if he needed another cup of coffee as I poured my first. I think this incident just served to underline the fact that no one in my family notices me or my needs.
I don't even know what my needs are anymore. I've gotten really good at suppressing them. I think I will now drown my petty problems in chocolate.
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2 comments:
Hey there, I've been following your blog for a while. I just want to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers for a fast way out of this slump. Honestly it sounds like you are experiencing clinical depression, not just a slump, and I urge you to seek counseling if that is something you can afford! I also wonder if you have invested in a UV lamp... I also live in the Seattle area and a lot of us get seasonal affective disorder since it's so rainy all the time! A UV lamp can help out a lot. Maybe if you shared your insights in parenting with your husband and stressed the importance of what exactly you are trying to do and how exactly he can support you, he will listen and work with you? Ack, never had kids, so no idea how to handle that one. Maybe identify whatever exact fear or thought pattern that is holding you back from preparing to move, and then tackle it? I really don't think that your problems are petty---you definitely have a lot on your plate and you deserve some you-time. What kind of hobbies did you have when you lived in Japan? Maybe pick those up again? Anyway, just brainstorming. I really hope the best for you and, like I said, am sending happy thoughts your way.
Hi. Thanks for posting. I have been looking at getting counseling and more than one person has urged me to. I guess it's time that I do something about it.
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